Joseph Mabirizi – Presidential Candidate

Joseph Mabirizi – Presidential Candidate

Monday

Its four days to the presidential debate at Serena. Seeing I am going to be on the world arena, I need to look super fly – nga omugole. A complete makeover should do the trick right down from hair cut, new shoes, a suit and oba a watch as well? In the meantime, I think I should do some reading. That Alan Kassuja – I know him from Sanyu Radio and he knows his music. Who knows, he might ask a trick question – something about the Lucky Dube Namboole concert.

Tuesday

I went looking for a new suit in Winna Classic and eh, mama nyabo, the cost of a suit is for having to sell a chaapa. Anyway, I met Hawker who hangs on the pavements of Amber House and from afar, I saw the suit I wanted, but I couldn’t buy it just in case paparazzi took pictures of me buying mivumba. Not to worry, I will send House-ee tomorrow.

Wednesday

My campaign manager and team are on my case. They want me to knuckle down, read as well as doing a crash English refresher course. Do they think my English is as bad as Nasser Ssebagala’s? One of my managers has been talking about doing something called a ‘dry run’ ahead of the debate.. What is that? I thought I was supposed to be revising and not going for a run. Era, how do you go for a run and remain dry and not sweat?

Thursday

It’s the day before the biggest day of my life and people from all walks of life, have been coming home to wish me the best. That WBS presenter, Straka, called me Mr. President which gave me gas while House-ee already refers to my madam as First Lady. First Lady is throwing me a treat and taking me to Nalongo’s in Katwe for goat luwombo lunch. From there, she has made reservations for steam and massage at some place in Bugolobi on Bandali Rise that is run by Chinese. I would like to have an early night or maybe not – it depends if Bukedde TV is showing that program called Ebisessa.

Friday

I am on fire. I am so psyched up, I am ready to go and the other candidates don’t scare me. Today, Uganda and the world will know I am a force to be reckoned with. Now look at this Kassuja fellow. I thought he might kick off with a question on music like how many hits Bobbi Wine and Butcherman have between them. Instead, he’s gone straight for the jugular asking about oil, the economy and other complex things.

Saturday

Ugandans are haters – just! After my performance, people called me a ‘comedian’. Who is OPP? Chap sent a note to his forum saying my performance was ‘comic relief’. Generally, the feedback is not good. I have been labeled ‘a joker and very articulate in Luganglish’ and that ‘Mabirizi needs a life line – call a friend’ to ‘I should not be called back for the next debate’ and that, ‘I need to put the weed bong down.’ I understand it’s not easy dealing with peasants and that’s why House-ee is a house-ee and not a doctor at Mulago. You see, when peasants don’t understand how government works or grasp complex questions, they start shouting abuse. Let them hate but we shall see who has the last laugh when I am being sworn in as president at Kololo airstrip.

Sunday

I don’t have the gas to go to church, so I am taking the day off to go and hang at Lido beach with Jeff Muwanguzi and eat whole mputa fish. I also need to think, to refocus, reinvent myself and get my campaign back on track. Heads in my campaign team have to roll. First to go has to be House-ee back to Bushenyi because I told him to buy the white suit and what does he do, he buys a brown one with a yellow striped tie and yellow stripped handkerchief that did not do me justice. Plus the pants were too tight round the groin area.     

Josephine Karungi – Newscaster, NTV

Josephine Karungi – Newscaster, NTV

Monday

Why does everybody think my working day lasts one hour – between 9:00pm and 10:00pm when I’m reading the news? This morning, when I told the cab driver to step on it, he smirked and said: “But nyabo Josephine, topapa, it’s only 8:10am. Even if I ran out of fuel, aba traffic stopped me for third party issues, had a puncture, the car broke down or we got caught up in an election procession, I am sure that I, Swaiibu, owa Nasana, can get you to work for 9:00pm. So nyabo, beera easy.”

Tuesday

There is something about being on TV. I have to look my best Monday through Friday. I put in a lot of effort as far as my appearance is concerned – hair, make up to what I wear. Yet the people who watch me, you all sit there probably picking your noses, not paying attention, or doing your FB and Twitter things. Then as soon as the news is over, you call to ask what was in the news. Hmm!

Wednesday

Ouch, I think I wore a not-studio-friendly bra today. Every time I move, my lapel microphone picks up the rustling noise the bra makes. So if you wondered why I looked all stiff on the news last night, now you know why. I am also wearing new killer heels. You just have to see them, so I have asked the cameraman to zoom in on them at the start of the news tomorrow.   

Thursday

This is not good. There is a dinner/cocktail going on in Serena conference centre next door to us and the smell of the samosas and meatballs is wafting into the studio. I don’t think Maurice (Mugisha) had lunch because his stomach rumbled throughout the news cast. Seeing I got no plot after the news, I might just crash the party. The Bouncers didn’t bounce me because they thought I was covering the function. By the way, did you see my killer new heels at the start of the broadcast?

Friday

Now check this chap. I am at Good African Coffee sampling Andrew Rugasira’s orange flavoured chocolates when this chap waltzes up and starts ripping into me. This is him: “I have called Fat Boy, Alex Ndawula, RS Elvis and Crystal and they allow me to send greetings to my darling Nassuna from Ku Biiri Stage on their shows. But you, I have written to you ten times but you don’t read out my greetings. You think NTV is the only television? Let me ask Rukh-Shana Namuyimba over at NBS.” Eh that was tight!

Saturday

Peeps, give me a break! When I am not at work, I don’t tend to follow the news, so when you see me in Nakumatt shopping, please don’t ask me what’s happening because I don’t know! Nor do I know when the next public holiday is. Another thing, it’s not me hosting the election presidential debate with Alan Kassujja but Nancy Kacungira. You with me?

Sunday

I went to a baptism luncheon that a friend threw for her daughter as Josephine Karungi and not as Josephine Karungi of NTV news. It was also attended by Amama Mbabazi. The MC, as soon as he saw me, he reached for the mic and started telling guests how the function is now going to be screened on NTV news and that they should give me their full cooperation if they were lucky enough to be singled out for an interview. He also reminded them that just because Mbabazi is present, it’s not the presidential election debate so they should not criticize the other candidates for not attending. WTF, is he for real?!          

   

Aga Sekalala Jnr

Aga Sekalala Jnr – MD, Ugachick/Smba FM

Monday

We lost dime when Uchumi went bust. January is financially a very tight month for most people, that they are forced to live on banja. However, after the Uchumi saga, I have told my peeps in accounts that until further notice, tell our customers – ‘No dime, No Ugachick’.

Tuesday

I think people at home are taking the spirit of supporting the Ugachick brand way off the scale. Just because I own Ugachick, it does not mean that we should have chicken for lunch and supper every day. For a change, I would like to get home to find some beef or goat meat or lamb. But on a daily basis, whenever House-ee serves dinner, she smiles and says: “Tatta, enkoko eya Ugachick”. 

Wednesday

I am not keen on Wednesdays. I have to walk round the factory with my managers and today, I forgot to bring my gumboots. I don’t see any of the managers volunteering to give me theirs yet I need them because there is always that annoying chicken by the entrance that’s fond of squirting its dios poo on me when I walk in. It’s done one squirt too many that today I am going to have to tell Master Butcher to do away with its head first thing Thursday morning.

Thursday

I have problems at Radio Simba. One of the DJ’s has been making comments that the people at UCC do not find amusing and I have been hauled in to see them. They keep on referring to me as Mr. Aga. But why yet my surname is Sekalala. Sometimes, one of them calls me Mr. Ugachick. I don’t know if he is trying to be funny, sarcastic or hoping that in the boot of my car, there is a chicken for him.

Friday

The Imam at prayers today said stuff that made sense. I feel spiritually cleansed, focused and ready to tackle whatever the weekend throws at me. I am not going out tonight. Going to stay home and do some tweeting. Andrew Rugasira and Daudi Mpanga often send out interesting tweets.

Saturday

The family want me to take them out for lunch and is there any need to guess where they want to go? So to KFC it is. I know my product well and it works well. The pieces are big and chunky. Er wait a minute... remember the annoying chicken I was telling you about that squirts its poo at me on Wednesdays? I think I have just seen part of it being tossed into the fryer. At least Master Butcher does what I tell him. Next week the walk round the factory should much pleasant.  

Sunday

I have got a bit of a toothache. In theory I should book an emergency appointment with my wife, who is a dentist, but I have seen her rates and as I said earlier, January is financially a very tight month so I don’t think she will see me on banja. I know of another clinic round the corner from her dental practice called Basils Dental Clinic. I hear he can be ‘talked to’ so I am going to give him a try. Funny thing though, people are asking me if it’s a wise decision and that I should keep it under wraps from Wifey. I wonder why?