Joseph Mabirizi – Presidential Candidate

Joseph Mabirizi – Presidential Candidate

Monday

Its four days to the presidential debate at Serena. Seeing I am going to be on the world arena, I need to look super fly – nga omugole. A complete makeover should do the trick right down from hair cut, new shoes, a suit and oba a watch as well? In the meantime, I think I should do some reading. That Alan Kassuja – I know him from Sanyu Radio and he knows his music. Who knows, he might ask a trick question – something about the Lucky Dube Namboole concert.

Tuesday

I went looking for a new suit in Winna Classic and eh, mama nyabo, the cost of a suit is for having to sell a chaapa. Anyway, I met Hawker who hangs on the pavements of Amber House and from afar, I saw the suit I wanted, but I couldn’t buy it just in case paparazzi took pictures of me buying mivumba. Not to worry, I will send House-ee tomorrow.

Wednesday

My campaign manager and team are on my case. They want me to knuckle down, read as well as doing a crash English refresher course. Do they think my English is as bad as Nasser Ssebagala’s? One of my managers has been talking about doing something called a ‘dry run’ ahead of the debate.. What is that? I thought I was supposed to be revising and not going for a run. Era, how do you go for a run and remain dry and not sweat?

Thursday

It’s the day before the biggest day of my life and people from all walks of life, have been coming home to wish me the best. That WBS presenter, Straka, called me Mr. President which gave me gas while House-ee already refers to my madam as First Lady. First Lady is throwing me a treat and taking me to Nalongo’s in Katwe for goat luwombo lunch. From there, she has made reservations for steam and massage at some place in Bugolobi on Bandali Rise that is run by Chinese. I would like to have an early night or maybe not – it depends if Bukedde TV is showing that program called Ebisessa.

Friday

I am on fire. I am so psyched up, I am ready to go and the other candidates don’t scare me. Today, Uganda and the world will know I am a force to be reckoned with. Now look at this Kassuja fellow. I thought he might kick off with a question on music like how many hits Bobbi Wine and Butcherman have between them. Instead, he’s gone straight for the jugular asking about oil, the economy and other complex things.

Saturday

Ugandans are haters – just! After my performance, people called me a ‘comedian’. Who is OPP? Chap sent a note to his forum saying my performance was ‘comic relief’. Generally, the feedback is not good. I have been labeled ‘a joker and very articulate in Luganglish’ and that ‘Mabirizi needs a life line – call a friend’ to ‘I should not be called back for the next debate’ and that, ‘I need to put the weed bong down.’ I understand it’s not easy dealing with peasants and that’s why House-ee is a house-ee and not a doctor at Mulago. You see, when peasants don’t understand how government works or grasp complex questions, they start shouting abuse. Let them hate but we shall see who has the last laugh when I am being sworn in as president at Kololo airstrip.

Sunday

I don’t have the gas to go to church, so I am taking the day off to go and hang at Lido beach with Jeff Muwanguzi and eat whole mputa fish. I also need to think, to refocus, reinvent myself and get my campaign back on track. Heads in my campaign team have to roll. First to go has to be House-ee back to Bushenyi because I told him to buy the white suit and what does he do, he buys a brown one with a yellow striped tie and yellow stripped handkerchief that did not do me justice. Plus the pants were too tight round the groin area.