Joseph Mabirizi – Presidential Candidate

Joseph Mabirizi – Presidential Candidate

Monday

Its four days to the presidential debate at Serena. Seeing I am going to be on the world arena, I need to look super fly – nga omugole. A complete makeover should do the trick right down from hair cut, new shoes, a suit and oba a watch as well? In the meantime, I think I should do some reading. That Alan Kassuja – I know him from Sanyu Radio and he knows his music. Who knows, he might ask a trick question – something about the Lucky Dube Namboole concert.

Tuesday

I went looking for a new suit in Winna Classic and eh, mama nyabo, the cost of a suit is for having to sell a chaapa. Anyway, I met Hawker who hangs on the pavements of Amber House and from afar, I saw the suit I wanted, but I couldn’t buy it just in case paparazzi took pictures of me buying mivumba. Not to worry, I will send House-ee tomorrow.

Wednesday

My campaign manager and team are on my case. They want me to knuckle down, read as well as doing a crash English refresher course. Do they think my English is as bad as Nasser Ssebagala’s? One of my managers has been talking about doing something called a ‘dry run’ ahead of the debate.. What is that? I thought I was supposed to be revising and not going for a run. Era, how do you go for a run and remain dry and not sweat?

Thursday

It’s the day before the biggest day of my life and people from all walks of life, have been coming home to wish me the best. That WBS presenter, Straka, called me Mr. President which gave me gas while House-ee already refers to my madam as First Lady. First Lady is throwing me a treat and taking me to Nalongo’s in Katwe for goat luwombo lunch. From there, she has made reservations for steam and massage at some place in Bugolobi on Bandali Rise that is run by Chinese. I would like to have an early night or maybe not – it depends if Bukedde TV is showing that program called Ebisessa.

Friday

I am on fire. I am so psyched up, I am ready to go and the other candidates don’t scare me. Today, Uganda and the world will know I am a force to be reckoned with. Now look at this Kassuja fellow. I thought he might kick off with a question on music like how many hits Bobbi Wine and Butcherman have between them. Instead, he’s gone straight for the jugular asking about oil, the economy and other complex things.

Saturday

Ugandans are haters – just! After my performance, people called me a ‘comedian’. Who is OPP? Chap sent a note to his forum saying my performance was ‘comic relief’. Generally, the feedback is not good. I have been labeled ‘a joker and very articulate in Luganglish’ and that ‘Mabirizi needs a life line – call a friend’ to ‘I should not be called back for the next debate’ and that, ‘I need to put the weed bong down.’ I understand it’s not easy dealing with peasants and that’s why House-ee is a house-ee and not a doctor at Mulago. You see, when peasants don’t understand how government works or grasp complex questions, they start shouting abuse. Let them hate but we shall see who has the last laugh when I am being sworn in as president at Kololo airstrip.

Sunday

I don’t have the gas to go to church, so I am taking the day off to go and hang at Lido beach with Jeff Muwanguzi and eat whole mputa fish. I also need to think, to refocus, reinvent myself and get my campaign back on track. Heads in my campaign team have to roll. First to go has to be House-ee back to Bushenyi because I told him to buy the white suit and what does he do, he buys a brown one with a yellow striped tie and yellow stripped handkerchief that did not do me justice. Plus the pants were too tight round the groin area.     

Josephine Karungi – Newscaster, NTV

Josephine Karungi – Newscaster, NTV

Monday

Why does everybody think my working day lasts one hour – between 9:00pm and 10:00pm when I’m reading the news? This morning, when I told the cab driver to step on it, he smirked and said: “But nyabo Josephine, topapa, it’s only 8:10am. Even if I ran out of fuel, aba traffic stopped me for third party issues, had a puncture, the car broke down or we got caught up in an election procession, I am sure that I, Swaiibu, owa Nasana, can get you to work for 9:00pm. So nyabo, beera easy.”

Tuesday

There is something about being on TV. I have to look my best Monday through Friday. I put in a lot of effort as far as my appearance is concerned – hair, make up to what I wear. Yet the people who watch me, you all sit there probably picking your noses, not paying attention, or doing your FB and Twitter things. Then as soon as the news is over, you call to ask what was in the news. Hmm!

Wednesday

Ouch, I think I wore a not-studio-friendly bra today. Every time I move, my lapel microphone picks up the rustling noise the bra makes. So if you wondered why I looked all stiff on the news last night, now you know why. I am also wearing new killer heels. You just have to see them, so I have asked the cameraman to zoom in on them at the start of the news tomorrow.   

Thursday

This is not good. There is a dinner/cocktail going on in Serena conference centre next door to us and the smell of the samosas and meatballs is wafting into the studio. I don’t think Maurice (Mugisha) had lunch because his stomach rumbled throughout the news cast. Seeing I got no plot after the news, I might just crash the party. The Bouncers didn’t bounce me because they thought I was covering the function. By the way, did you see my killer new heels at the start of the broadcast?

Friday

Now check this chap. I am at Good African Coffee sampling Andrew Rugasira’s orange flavoured chocolates when this chap waltzes up and starts ripping into me. This is him: “I have called Fat Boy, Alex Ndawula, RS Elvis and Crystal and they allow me to send greetings to my darling Nassuna from Ku Biiri Stage on their shows. But you, I have written to you ten times but you don’t read out my greetings. You think NTV is the only television? Let me ask Rukh-Shana Namuyimba over at NBS.” Eh that was tight!

Saturday

Peeps, give me a break! When I am not at work, I don’t tend to follow the news, so when you see me in Nakumatt shopping, please don’t ask me what’s happening because I don’t know! Nor do I know when the next public holiday is. Another thing, it’s not me hosting the election presidential debate with Alan Kassujja but Nancy Kacungira. You with me?

Sunday

I went to a baptism luncheon that a friend threw for her daughter as Josephine Karungi and not as Josephine Karungi of NTV news. It was also attended by Amama Mbabazi. The MC, as soon as he saw me, he reached for the mic and started telling guests how the function is now going to be screened on NTV news and that they should give me their full cooperation if they were lucky enough to be singled out for an interview. He also reminded them that just because Mbabazi is present, it’s not the presidential election debate so they should not criticize the other candidates for not attending. WTF, is he for real?!          

   

Aga Sekalala Jnr

Aga Sekalala Jnr – MD, Ugachick/Smba FM

Monday

We lost dime when Uchumi went bust. January is financially a very tight month for most people, that they are forced to live on banja. However, after the Uchumi saga, I have told my peeps in accounts that until further notice, tell our customers – ‘No dime, No Ugachick’.

Tuesday

I think people at home are taking the spirit of supporting the Ugachick brand way off the scale. Just because I own Ugachick, it does not mean that we should have chicken for lunch and supper every day. For a change, I would like to get home to find some beef or goat meat or lamb. But on a daily basis, whenever House-ee serves dinner, she smiles and says: “Tatta, enkoko eya Ugachick”. 

Wednesday

I am not keen on Wednesdays. I have to walk round the factory with my managers and today, I forgot to bring my gumboots. I don’t see any of the managers volunteering to give me theirs yet I need them because there is always that annoying chicken by the entrance that’s fond of squirting its dios poo on me when I walk in. It’s done one squirt too many that today I am going to have to tell Master Butcher to do away with its head first thing Thursday morning.

Thursday

I have problems at Radio Simba. One of the DJ’s has been making comments that the people at UCC do not find amusing and I have been hauled in to see them. They keep on referring to me as Mr. Aga. But why yet my surname is Sekalala. Sometimes, one of them calls me Mr. Ugachick. I don’t know if he is trying to be funny, sarcastic or hoping that in the boot of my car, there is a chicken for him.

Friday

The Imam at prayers today said stuff that made sense. I feel spiritually cleansed, focused and ready to tackle whatever the weekend throws at me. I am not going out tonight. Going to stay home and do some tweeting. Andrew Rugasira and Daudi Mpanga often send out interesting tweets.

Saturday

The family want me to take them out for lunch and is there any need to guess where they want to go? So to KFC it is. I know my product well and it works well. The pieces are big and chunky. Er wait a minute... remember the annoying chicken I was telling you about that squirts its poo at me on Wednesdays? I think I have just seen part of it being tossed into the fryer. At least Master Butcher does what I tell him. Next week the walk round the factory should much pleasant.  

Sunday

I have got a bit of a toothache. In theory I should book an emergency appointment with my wife, who is a dentist, but I have seen her rates and as I said earlier, January is financially a very tight month so I don’t think she will see me on banja. I know of another clinic round the corner from her dental practice called Basils Dental Clinic. I hear he can be ‘talked to’ so I am going to give him a try. Funny thing though, people are asking me if it’s a wise decision and that I should keep it under wraps from Wifey. I wonder why?

Allen Kagina

Allen Kagina

Monday

Christmas is almost upon us. I have asked my secretary to send out invites to my staunch mulokole friends – Janet M7, Patience Rwabogo and Sarah Ntiro amongst others. I wonder if I should send Jennifer Musisi an invite too for I am not too sure is she is a firm believer like the rest of us are

Tuesday

I wonder when Julia Sebutinde will be in town for the holidays. There is a silky black number that I saw on a web site. What was it again? Ah, Victoria’s Secret’s. I thought I should get one of them and watch Mr. Kagina go wild  

Wednesday

I got my pay cheque today and there is something amiss. Somebody in accounts has decided to deduct 6k. When I asked the chick in accounts, she told me it was for the Marie biscuits I had asked the office messenger to buy but had not refunded him his dime. But really, Office Messenger is funny to make a fuss over a mere 6k  

Thursday

I have to start planning for Christmas. Should we stay in Kampala or head out to kyalo? But the thing about going to kyalo, the whole village will turn up and they will expect to be fed and given drinks. It actually might be a good idea as I will be able to nab the people who evade taxes

Friday

What is Club Silk? I got an invitation to attend TFI Night. TFI Night, what is that? I asked my PA and she tells me they play techno on the night. I don’t even know what techno is. Are they a gospel choir?

Saturday

I went downtown today and the cops thought I was pulling an Erias Lukwago and Kizza Besigye stunt. They threatened to arrest me so I assured them that if they dared touched my bosom, I will have them for breakfast

Sunday

Went to Patience Rwabogo’s church and boy, when she takes to the pulpit, she can jazz! Her sermon went on for ages that I fell asleep. I think I should tell her to observe time and to keep her sermons down to half-an-hour and not an hour-and-a-half as she did today

Robert Kabushenga

Robert Kabushenga

Monday

What is wrong with people? My first name is Robert and not Robo as people keep on referring to me. Secondly, my surname is Kabushenga and Kabs. Is it that difficult to say Robert Kabushenga and not Robo Kabs?

Tuesday

Being a CEO is not easy! There is so much going on from newspapers, television, radio and publishing books. Those people at Bukedde TV I give up for them and leave them alone. Where they get their material from I don’t know but the formula appears to be working  

Wednesday

I wonder what Daniel Kalinaki and Arinituwe Rugendo are planning. I hear that they are vexing because they can’t eat into our market share and are planning something revolutionary. Hmm, let them be because I have sent an –email to my mercenary, David Billington  

Thursday

Today I had lunch in the staff canteen and sat with Ras and Kalungi Kabuye. I had not realised that Ras has a sense of humour and not just through his cartoons. On the other hand, Kalungi started pulling out papers of a camera specs that he had downloaded from the net. It is a Cannon that costs more than a Toyota Premio and he wants me to buy it for him

Friday

Kalungi sent me an e-mail asking if I had made up my mind on the camera issue. But I have to ask, what he really want to do with such an expensive camera. I will sort him out on Monday

Saturday

It is tight having my office next door to Club Silk. Sometimes during the day I can hear the DJ’s practising and now that have got me in the mood, I have to go to the Old Skool night and shake my body the way I used to do when I was still at Namasagali

Sunday

Eh, Sunday Vision looks good today. Since they had their outing some weeks ago, the staff appear to be rejuvenated. I must call at tell accounts that whatever dime they spent on their outing, it was dime well spent

Mugisha Muntu

Monday

Finally I am President! It has been a long struggle but I persisted and I have worked my rear off and it has paid off. It is a new dawn for Uganda and time for a historic change in governance

Tuesday

I passed by Kololo airstrip to see how the preparations for my swearing in ceremony were going but it was all quiet. The people from Silk Events should be here doing should be here doing set up. I will give Annette Mbabazi a call to ask her where she and her team are

Wednesday

I am still rather miffed that President Museveni has not called to congratulate me. May be he does not know my cell number? Whether he does or does not, he has to acknowledge that I Mugisha Muntu, I am a president too and if I refer to him as Mr. President, I also expect him to refer to me in the same manner  

Thursday

I went down to Wilson Road – Capital Studios to get my first official photographs taken. I wanted to look diplomatic, strong and charming but the photographer kept on insisting that I pose by the stuffed lion for it makes me look in charge

Friday

Really Kiza Besigye! Can you imagine that two weeks down the road and he has yet to clean out his desk at FDC party headquarters! Anyway I did it for him and while going through his papers I found some love notes he had written to Winnie. The man has no vibe!

Saturday

I got a phone call from the president of The Ghetto Republic asking he could come over and see me. Is he on crack cocaine? He should realise that I am not playing pretend president but I am the real deal

Sunday

These ‘investors’ are already on my case. They are looking for deals already and are offering me mob dimes if I give them concessions on land and other things. I am not yet in office and people are already trying to corrupt me

Judith Heard

Judith Heard

Monday

Who exactly is this Forbes person and where can I find him? Does he not know I too am loaded? All he talked about was Sudhir, Patrick Bitature, Charles Mbire and Mukwano being the richest people in the land. I am sure that Forbes must be working for New Vision and with that I am going to call up Robert Kabushenga and have him fired!

Tuesday

What part of the country does Forbes come from to have Magazine as a surname? People, what Forbes does not know is Sudhir, Bitature, Mbire and Mukwano have never been to De Posh Bar in Kabalagala and splashed out drinks for everybody like there is no tomorrow. I don’t even have to go to office work like they do. My bed is my office and all I have to do is simply lie back and give Dr. Heard ‘some’   

Wednesday

I still have not been able to trace this Forbes fellow. He needs to recognise me, he needs to tell the world that I Judith Heard I am a loaded babe. Mbire does not even own MTN but he is a mere director who gets a salo at the end of the month. And if I was not buying airtime where would he be without me?

Thursday

Today Dr. Heard told me that Forbes is not a person but a magazine. Does he think I am stupid? Just because he is a muzungu he thinks he can put me down! Well I told him that my source – Zari had told me that Forbes is a freelancer with New Vision. And to you know what he did? He shook his head and walked away

Friday

It’s a girl’s night out today! We are going to Silk Lounge and I hope that that Elvis fellow has told Andrew Kaffoko to reserve my table for me. And I also don’t want to queue up like the rest of the plebs do

Saturday

Now check Dr. Heard! He vexed with me because I came back at 4:00am? Can’t a girl go out and let her hair down? As he is vexing let’s see if he thinks I am going to give him ‘some’. He is going to have to beg for it

Sunday

Yes he begged for it. Apart from that, he told me to go to Spear Motors and pick a new ride. You see girls what tight power can get you! Well that Forbes fellow may not have written about me but for sure when I get my new ride al least Bukedde will have me on the front page!