Kale Kayihura - The IGP

Monday

I kept my fingers crossed - hoping, praying that it will be a quiet week. A quiet week in that, Besigye, Erias Lukwago, Betty Nambooze et al will behave themselves because they are really getting to me!

Tuesday

I guess it was too much to ask. Over the radio I am told that Besigye walked out of his gate, saying, that he was going to Kasangati trading centre to do some shopping. The OC Kasangati called me for the best part of the day asking me if he should be arrested. Now that is a tight call! If I gave an order to have him arrested, what do we charge him with? Walking to the shops? Even the people in my legal department told me it would be a tough call.

Wednesday

HE M7, summoned me to State House, Entebbe for a meeting. He wanted to know about the breasts case – you know that woman Ingrid Turinawe. But M7 does have a sense of humour. He asked if it was a new police tactic and if my boy grabbed both the breast and nipple. I told him that by boy merely grabbed the breast and in the ‘line of duty’.

Thursday

Thank god tomorrow is pay day. Things have been tight and though I am the IGP, my salary is peanuts. Some of my boys make more money that I especially those assigned traffic duties. Mrs. Kayihura wanted me to take her out to Cineplex to watch Men in Black III but for the dime issue. But then again, I could have just gone in full uniform. Would they have stopped me from entering, me the IGP of Uganda? I think not.

Friday

I drove straight from home – no, tell a lie, I was driven straight from home to the ATM and bleak, there was no salary yet. I didn’t even have dime for lunch so I made a surprise call to Wandegeya police post and that forced the DPC to organise lunch for me. It was nothing really – chicken and chips, but at least I had lunch.

Saturday

Still no salary and that fat mama in accounts keep tossing me up and down. To get dime, I went to Masindi, for at least that way, I could say I was on official police business and accounts would have to give me my per diem before I left.

Sunday

I got sh600,000 per diem yesterday and was able to give Mrs. Kayihura sh300,000 to do the weekly shopping. In Masindi, I did not spend a dime because I was well looked after by the in-charge of the police training school. I kind of had a blast.

Winnie Byanyima

Monday

Kizza Besigye has sent me an e-mail yet again. He needs sh18m to pay his legal bills. Does that man think that I am in New York and working with the UN to pay his legal bills? I really don’t think that he is being serious!
Tuesday
Besigye is on CNN yet again. This time he has some cloth wrapped around his face. I think it has something to do with the tear gas. But really, why can’t he grow up and come to his senses. He can’t spend weeks on end getting beaten up by the police
Wednesday

Anslem today asked me if his father was a thief because he had seen him being beaten up by the police on TV. He told me that the police only beat up thieves and wrong people. I think I will have to put a parental lock on all news stations so my boy won’t be affected
Thursday
Besigye has sent me yet another e-mail asking for dime. I didn’t bother opening it up and merely hit the delete button. I have got better things to do with my dime. Tonight I am going on a girls’ night out and want to be focused instead of thinking about Besigye
Friday
I am paying. We went to The Irish Village where we spent the night shooting tequilas. Lucky for me, Besigye is not around to see me in this state otherwise, he would have made noise. I also decided to cut work. Sometimes I miss Uganda and I miss the times I used to be on Capital Gang. That reminds me, I must give Charles Onyango-Obo a call today
Saturday

I have taken time out to do some souls searching. I am beginning to think that I should have done things differently. Perhaps if I had played ball with M7, by now, I would have been Prime Minister instead of Amama Mbabazi. What has Besigye done for me? Nothing except tear gas and beatings at the hands of the police
Sunday

I think Besigye is tired of me not responding to his e-mails for he has sent me a txt. He told me that on Saturday the police roughed him up again and that he sustained a small cut on his finger. Really! Anyway I responded and told him to go to the clinic, if not, he should put some iodine on it. But he is a doctor so why is he asking me? 

Gilbert Bukenya - Former Vice-President

Monday:

I am due in court again. The CHOGM car scandal won’t go away. What was wrong with the cars? I bought them because they had televisions in the headrests so they could watch Bukedde TV but, Robert Kabushenga delayed with the launch. I wore the dark blue suit which Margret bought for me from Winna Classic. I really don’t believe it! I have been remanded to Luzira Prison. Me, mahogany? Will they put me in handcuffs and shackles? Will I have to board the bus?  

Tuesday:

It was a rough night because I didn’t pack a blanket, mattress, basin or tooth brush. Perhaps when Margret turns up she will bring me a bag of essentials? I looked out for Bad Black but, I am told they gave her bail.

Wednesday:

Margret brought me a mattress but they sent it back because it was not prison regulation. She got it from Nina Interiors for sh1.2m. They told her to get something cheap from Kitintale market for 30k. The guards also took away the fine silk bed sheets, which she picked up from my hotel, Katomi Kingdom Resort.

Thursday: 

I miss Kakiri. In Luzira, they do roll-call four times a day yet at Kakari, Margret does only one roll-call – at night to make sure I am home. We had morning parade near the lake and in the distance I could see Speke Resort, Munyonyo. I remember the good old days of Miss Uganda and smoking cigars with my friend Sudhir.

Friday:

Margret came to see me with tears in her eyes and trying to be strong for the both of us. She also came with a kicapo of food - boiled maize, kabalagala, gonja and millet porridge in a flask. Despite my wrongs, Margret still loves me.

Saturday:

My cellmate has been stealing my food so all I had for breakfast was black tea without sugar. I managed to get hold of a cellphone to call my former boss and plead for mercy, but that man Tamale Murundi, refused to put me through. What’s his beef?

Sunday:

The prison doctor came round today checking us for head lice, scabies and jiggers. He also showed me the double spread in the newspapers – ‘The life and times of Gilbert Bukenya’. It had a picture of me kissing Iyrn Namubiru. She really does know how to kukomba malusu.

Erias Lukwago - Lord Mayor, Kampala City

Erias Lukwago

Monday

I had a bad dream that I woke up in a shiver and in a cold sweat. That name, Jennifer Musisi, kept popping into my dream. The chick stresses me out and does not respect me. Does she not know that I, Erias Lukwago, I am a man who has the title of Lord Mayor while she is just a mere executive director?

Tuesday

I have to show that Musisi woman who the boss is. I am going to stand my ground. She should be at home peeling matooke and pounding groundnuts than meddling about in the affairs of KCCA. Women belong at home and in the kitchen – you know what I mean?

Wednesday

Eh, today Jennifer came to work wearing a blue skirt and a pink blouse. She looked so superfly that I had to check her out! For a moment there I got distracted and even contemplated asking her out on a date. Then I came back down to earth. She is the enemy Lukwago, so I kept on reminding myself, she is the enemy.

Thursday

There is a good picture of me on the cover of Bukedde looking rather dapper. I was touring downtown where my subjects love me. One woman came up to me and asked if she could have a child with me. Now how many men have come up to Musisi and asked if they could have a child with her?

Friday

Nadudu, the office tea girl, brought me tea. Along with the tea she gave me the option of gonja and popcorn as accompaniments. But the woman smells! She tells me she can’t afford the bus fare so she has to walk to work and thus she sweats. I give her 5k to go and buy some deodorant.

Saturday

Can you imagine the cheek that that Musisi woman has? She had the nerve to call me at home telling me to come to her office for a meeting! I barked at her and told her never to call me when I am at home and having quality time with Mrs. Lukwago

Sunday

Mrs. Lukwago was so impressed at the way I barked at Musisi. So impressed she was, that last night, she wore the little black see through number that a Nakivubo vendor gave me to bed. Talk about saawa ya malavuu! I feel so rejuvenated that come Monday, I am going to slap Musisi down.