Erias Lukwago

Erias Lukwago

Monday

I got a new car! I got a new car, I got a new car! My subjects of Kamala City, please let’s all stand up and congratulate me, Erias Lukwago, who also happens to be your Lord Mayor on getting a new ride that has cost you all sh300m. I am very proud of you all!

Tuesday

There appears to be a spelling error on the personalised number plate that I got from Spear Motors. For the record, I am not the Lord Mayor but Loodi Mayor. I am going to have it changed at the first opportunity 

Wednesday

Mrs. Lukwago wanted to use my new ride to go to the market to shop. I told her in no uncertain terms that my new car belongs to me and can only be used by me since it has my official title on the number plate. By telling her that, I think I may have shot myself in the foot

Thursday

Last night things were tight when I got home as Mrs. Lukwago was not in a good mood. When I asked for evening tea, she looked at me then showed me to the kitchen and told to make it myself! Worse, when it came to supper, she served me kalo and burnt beans. I think I should have let her use my new car for shopping

Friday

My friend Ken Lukyamuzi called asking if I wanted to go along with him for a walk downtown and if I could pick him up from home. But wait a minute, I can’t take my new ride downtown. The riot police will no doubt scratch the expensive pain work

Saturday

I have finally succumbed! I allowed Mrs. Lukwago to take my new ride on her shopping trip. When she came back she was all excited that the car had air con amongst other things. She also noticed that the car radio goes past 90 FM

Sunday

Eh, the best thing I could have done was to let Mrs. Lukwago use my car for at night in bed, she wore that black see through number I bought for her when I was making noise in Wandegeya! And this morning she served me breakfast in bed. I am on to something real good here. Jennifer, thank you for the new ride! 

Godffrey Kazinda

Godffrey Kazinda

Monday

Eh, things are tight! Everybody is on my case. They want my blood mbu because I made off with dime from the Prime Minister’s Office, but where is the proof? People talk nonsense and so do the newspapers too. All they do is to speculate

Tuesday

Life in Luzira is not easy. I miss my master bed, the one I bought from Nina Interiors for sh6m. In Luzira, I have to make do with a cheap mattress, the kind that is given out to common criminals. But am I a common criminal? Did I break into somebody’s house in the middle of the night and make off with the DVD player?  

Wednesday

My wife managed to smuggle in a copy of the New Vision and on the front page is a picture of my crib in Bukoto. Hmm, it is a crib to die for don’t you think? It has mega bedrooms all self contained, the drive way is tiled and I have mob cars to drive! Those are the fruits of working in the Prime Minister’s Office

Thursday

As I was getting off the truck from Luzira, I saw that photographer – what’s his name? Ah, Enock Kakande! Tumbavu to him because tomorrow I know I will be on New Vision’s front page. Everybody wants to know one thing – how much money did I swipe and where did I hide it?

Friday

My wife told me that CID once again raided my huge house and took away things mbu as evidence. Can you imagine that they even took away the set of pink thongs that I bought for her from shop 12 in Mutaasa Kaffero Mall?! Tell me, what would CID want with wifey’s thongs?   

Saturday

I am determined to hold out. If they can throw Jim, Gilbert, Alice and Mike in jail for swiping dime then release them days later, I too will be released

Sunday

I spent the best part of the day lying in bed and thinking about the last book that I read – ‘Who says crime doesn’t pay?” Well that is exactly what I am asking myself right now!  

Rebecca Kadaga

Rebecca Kadaga

Monday

I was visiting a school in Kamuli and the kids were not very impressed with me. One kid stood up and said: “Is it true you wear a wig in parliament because you are bald?” What a cheek!

Tuesday

I left work early to go to the salon and have my hair done for the Independence Day celebrations at Kololo. But what was the point seeing that I will have to wear the parliamentary wig. Anyway, not to worry for Ruth who does my hair gave the wig a reddish tint. That should make me look funky 

Wednesday

Yesterday M7 jazzed at Kololo! He went on and on and on – oba what was he rambling on about? I really wanted to be elsewhere – at home watching ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ but you know protocol, you can only leave after M7 has left   

Thursday

OMG! There is a picture of me in Bukedde as if asleep! To be honest Kololo is a bore. All you get is mineral water so no wonder I fell asleep. I packed some nsenene as a snack but Edward Ssekandi assured me that if I did not share with him he would report me to M7.  

Friday

Thank God it’s Friday! I am going to toss the wig away practice my dance moves from my days at Namasagali, put on some hot jeans and hit tawo. My aide called up Charlie Lubega and I got some free tickets to go to Guvnor. I tried to call up girlfriend - Mrs. M7 to ask if she wanted to come along but her phone was off  

Saturday

Eh, today is for full paying! What did I drink last night?! No more Gins for me

Sunday

Nothing much happened today. I lazed about at home in an oversized Kimbo t-shirt, did some cleaning and washed the wig in preparation for Monday

Bobi Wine

Bobbi Wine

Monday

I am the Ghetto President and in the Ghetto Republic, I am president for life. I don’t have the problems M7 has with the opposition making a nuisance of themselves. I am supreme and I rule with an iron fist

Tuesday

I do have some problems but not within the Ghetto Republic. The problems come from other so called leaders – Bebe Cool and Chameleon. Those lumpens amuse me. The command no respect and they can’t even sing 

Wednesday

I was at Kololo airstrip for the Independence Day celebrations in my capacity as a president, and those PGB goons decided to bounce me. Why didn’t they bounce Paul Kageme or Mwai Kibaki? When the Ghetto Republic celebrates its Ganja anniversary party next week just watch how we bounce M7 and his PGB  

Thursday

What on earth is wrong with Barbie? Since we got married she has become a nag. Worse still in all the years that she has been with me, she can’t even roll up a ganja joint! I think I am going to send her back to the kyalo for a while     

Friday

If having to handle Barbie and her tantrums is not time consuming, there is another woman who is on my case. Just who on earth does that Jennifer Musisi woman think she is? She should stick to making Kampala City a better place to live and leave my music and I alone

Saturday

Now look at this Bebe Cool fellow. He turned up in a bar in Zana saying he had not been paid for a performance. I threw 10k at him and told him to go buy Zuena a new pair of knickers and that was it. A fight then broke out

Sunday

I gave Bebe such a thumping. I even managed to bite off one of his dreadlocks. That should teach him a lesson! Hmm, I wonder if he used the 10k I threw at him to buy Zuena knickers or he bought ganja instead

Kizza Besigye

Kizza Besigye

Monday

It has been a while since I heard from Winnie. I have sent her numerous e-mails, tweeted her and even skyped but only to get a bleak response. One of her friends hinted that she is vexed with me because I am always fighting with the police in the streets and I am in and out of CPS

Tuesday

I have to go to Woolworths today to buy some new underwear because the police have torn the last six that Winnie sent me from the States. I told the police at the gate but they would not let me out so for the next few days I will have to do without 

Wednesday

Erias Lukwago called me last night and suggested we go downtown and cause some mayhem. It is a good idea but the issue is that I have curfew  

Thursday

I borrowed the house-ee’s bra, knickers and gomesi and scaled the back wall of the house and slithered into the yam plantation and guess what, I got away with it! Remember when I escaped from my house in Luzira some years ago? The police must have looked real stupid when they learned I was in Namirembe     

Friday

Security at my house has been doubled that I now reckon that after my old friend M7, I am the next heavily guarded person in Uganda

Saturday

While I was tending to my yams, I found a policeman doing pupu! Can you imagine that the policeman didn’t even have toilet tissue and was using banana leaves!

Sunday

While doing the house cleaning, I found the little black sexy number that Winnie used to wear to fire me up in bed! Oh my Winnie can really do things to me when the lights are out