Allen Kagina

Allen Kagina

Monday

Christmas is almost upon us. I have asked my secretary to send out invites to my staunch mulokole friends – Janet M7, Patience Rwabogo and Sarah Ntiro amongst others. I wonder if I should send Jennifer Musisi an invite too for I am not too sure is she is a firm believer like the rest of us are

Tuesday

I wonder when Julia Sebutinde will be in town for the holidays. There is a silky black number that I saw on a web site. What was it again? Ah, Victoria’s Secret’s. I thought I should get one of them and watch Mr. Kagina go wild  

Wednesday

I got my pay cheque today and there is something amiss. Somebody in accounts has decided to deduct 6k. When I asked the chick in accounts, she told me it was for the Marie biscuits I had asked the office messenger to buy but had not refunded him his dime. But really, Office Messenger is funny to make a fuss over a mere 6k  

Thursday

I have to start planning for Christmas. Should we stay in Kampala or head out to kyalo? But the thing about going to kyalo, the whole village will turn up and they will expect to be fed and given drinks. It actually might be a good idea as I will be able to nab the people who evade taxes

Friday

What is Club Silk? I got an invitation to attend TFI Night. TFI Night, what is that? I asked my PA and she tells me they play techno on the night. I don’t even know what techno is. Are they a gospel choir?

Saturday

I went downtown today and the cops thought I was pulling an Erias Lukwago and Kizza Besigye stunt. They threatened to arrest me so I assured them that if they dared touched my bosom, I will have them for breakfast

Sunday

Went to Patience Rwabogo’s church and boy, when she takes to the pulpit, she can jazz! Her sermon went on for ages that I fell asleep. I think I should tell her to observe time and to keep her sermons down to half-an-hour and not an hour-and-a-half as she did today

Robert Kabushenga

Robert Kabushenga

Monday

What is wrong with people? My first name is Robert and not Robo as people keep on referring to me. Secondly, my surname is Kabushenga and Kabs. Is it that difficult to say Robert Kabushenga and not Robo Kabs?

Tuesday

Being a CEO is not easy! There is so much going on from newspapers, television, radio and publishing books. Those people at Bukedde TV I give up for them and leave them alone. Where they get their material from I don’t know but the formula appears to be working  

Wednesday

I wonder what Daniel Kalinaki and Arinituwe Rugendo are planning. I hear that they are vexing because they can’t eat into our market share and are planning something revolutionary. Hmm, let them be because I have sent an –email to my mercenary, David Billington  

Thursday

Today I had lunch in the staff canteen and sat with Ras and Kalungi Kabuye. I had not realised that Ras has a sense of humour and not just through his cartoons. On the other hand, Kalungi started pulling out papers of a camera specs that he had downloaded from the net. It is a Cannon that costs more than a Toyota Premio and he wants me to buy it for him

Friday

Kalungi sent me an e-mail asking if I had made up my mind on the camera issue. But I have to ask, what he really want to do with such an expensive camera. I will sort him out on Monday

Saturday

It is tight having my office next door to Club Silk. Sometimes during the day I can hear the DJ’s practising and now that have got me in the mood, I have to go to the Old Skool night and shake my body the way I used to do when I was still at Namasagali

Sunday

Eh, Sunday Vision looks good today. Since they had their outing some weeks ago, the staff appear to be rejuvenated. I must call at tell accounts that whatever dime they spent on their outing, it was dime well spent

Mugisha Muntu

Monday

Finally I am President! It has been a long struggle but I persisted and I have worked my rear off and it has paid off. It is a new dawn for Uganda and time for a historic change in governance

Tuesday

I passed by Kololo airstrip to see how the preparations for my swearing in ceremony were going but it was all quiet. The people from Silk Events should be here doing should be here doing set up. I will give Annette Mbabazi a call to ask her where she and her team are

Wednesday

I am still rather miffed that President Museveni has not called to congratulate me. May be he does not know my cell number? Whether he does or does not, he has to acknowledge that I Mugisha Muntu, I am a president too and if I refer to him as Mr. President, I also expect him to refer to me in the same manner  

Thursday

I went down to Wilson Road – Capital Studios to get my first official photographs taken. I wanted to look diplomatic, strong and charming but the photographer kept on insisting that I pose by the stuffed lion for it makes me look in charge

Friday

Really Kiza Besigye! Can you imagine that two weeks down the road and he has yet to clean out his desk at FDC party headquarters! Anyway I did it for him and while going through his papers I found some love notes he had written to Winnie. The man has no vibe!

Saturday

I got a phone call from the president of The Ghetto Republic asking he could come over and see me. Is he on crack cocaine? He should realise that I am not playing pretend president but I am the real deal

Sunday

These ‘investors’ are already on my case. They are looking for deals already and are offering me mob dimes if I give them concessions on land and other things. I am not yet in office and people are already trying to corrupt me

Judith Heard

Judith Heard

Monday

Who exactly is this Forbes person and where can I find him? Does he not know I too am loaded? All he talked about was Sudhir, Patrick Bitature, Charles Mbire and Mukwano being the richest people in the land. I am sure that Forbes must be working for New Vision and with that I am going to call up Robert Kabushenga and have him fired!

Tuesday

What part of the country does Forbes come from to have Magazine as a surname? People, what Forbes does not know is Sudhir, Bitature, Mbire and Mukwano have never been to De Posh Bar in Kabalagala and splashed out drinks for everybody like there is no tomorrow. I don’t even have to go to office work like they do. My bed is my office and all I have to do is simply lie back and give Dr. Heard ‘some’   

Wednesday

I still have not been able to trace this Forbes fellow. He needs to recognise me, he needs to tell the world that I Judith Heard I am a loaded babe. Mbire does not even own MTN but he is a mere director who gets a salo at the end of the month. And if I was not buying airtime where would he be without me?

Thursday

Today Dr. Heard told me that Forbes is not a person but a magazine. Does he think I am stupid? Just because he is a muzungu he thinks he can put me down! Well I told him that my source – Zari had told me that Forbes is a freelancer with New Vision. And to you know what he did? He shook his head and walked away

Friday

It’s a girl’s night out today! We are going to Silk Lounge and I hope that that Elvis fellow has told Andrew Kaffoko to reserve my table for me. And I also don’t want to queue up like the rest of the plebs do

Saturday

Now check Dr. Heard! He vexed with me because I came back at 4:00am? Can’t a girl go out and let her hair down? As he is vexing let’s see if he thinks I am going to give him ‘some’. He is going to have to beg for it

Sunday

Yes he begged for it. Apart from that, he told me to go to Spear Motors and pick a new ride. You see girls what tight power can get you! Well that Forbes fellow may not have written about me but for sure when I get my new ride al least Bukedde will have me on the front page!  

President Museveni

President Museveni

Monday

What am I supposed to do about Amama Mbabazi? Last week, the Daily Mail, a British newspaper, wrote a story about him and that how donor money had ended up in his bank account. If the story is true, should I ask him to resign, pay back the dime or simply haul him off to Luzira the way it was with Gilbert, Jim and Mike?

Tuesday

Some investor has called me to go an open up yet another factory. Do you know how bored I get at these launches and openings? There are many other people who can open up factories. For example, what does Kabaka Mutebi do with his time? 

Wednesday

I have resolved to stop going to weddings because they are becoming expensive. Do you know that every couple expects me to give them a brown envelop as entandikwa? When I married my Janet, there was nobody to give us a brown envelope. We had to struggle but today, people want things for free

Thursday

I thought of taking a trip to Rwakitura but have decided to go to Gulu instead. Just as we were about to leave, I got a call from Kololo airstrip that the chopper had some problems and now I am going to have to go by road. I think it is a good idea for I get to see the people on the ground who give me the truth unlike the people around me who don’t tell me everything

Friday

Every time I go to Gulu I see something new. That Nobert Mao chap must be doing something good. The only problem is that he can be stubborn and has a habit of making some utterances which are not well researched

Saturday

I have flushed the wedding. Today I am going to take it easy. After a spell in the gym I am going to sit down and watch real informative programmes on Discovery Channel unlike that trashy show on NTV – what is it? Beautiful but unlucky? Hmm

Sunday

It is tough being president. I wanted to have a lie-in today but the phone rang. It appears that of my minsters has been a naughty boy. Can’t people behave for once?

Erias Lukwago

Erias Lukwago

Monday

I got a new car! I got a new car, I got a new car! My subjects of Kamala City, please let’s all stand up and congratulate me, Erias Lukwago, who also happens to be your Lord Mayor on getting a new ride that has cost you all sh300m. I am very proud of you all!

Tuesday

There appears to be a spelling error on the personalised number plate that I got from Spear Motors. For the record, I am not the Lord Mayor but Loodi Mayor. I am going to have it changed at the first opportunity 

Wednesday

Mrs. Lukwago wanted to use my new ride to go to the market to shop. I told her in no uncertain terms that my new car belongs to me and can only be used by me since it has my official title on the number plate. By telling her that, I think I may have shot myself in the foot

Thursday

Last night things were tight when I got home as Mrs. Lukwago was not in a good mood. When I asked for evening tea, she looked at me then showed me to the kitchen and told to make it myself! Worse, when it came to supper, she served me kalo and burnt beans. I think I should have let her use my new car for shopping

Friday

My friend Ken Lukyamuzi called asking if I wanted to go along with him for a walk downtown and if I could pick him up from home. But wait a minute, I can’t take my new ride downtown. The riot police will no doubt scratch the expensive pain work

Saturday

I have finally succumbed! I allowed Mrs. Lukwago to take my new ride on her shopping trip. When she came back she was all excited that the car had air con amongst other things. She also noticed that the car radio goes past 90 FM

Sunday

Eh, the best thing I could have done was to let Mrs. Lukwago use my car for at night in bed, she wore that black see through number I bought for her when I was making noise in Wandegeya! And this morning she served me breakfast in bed. I am on to something real good here. Jennifer, thank you for the new ride! 

Godffrey Kazinda

Godffrey Kazinda

Monday

Eh, things are tight! Everybody is on my case. They want my blood mbu because I made off with dime from the Prime Minister’s Office, but where is the proof? People talk nonsense and so do the newspapers too. All they do is to speculate

Tuesday

Life in Luzira is not easy. I miss my master bed, the one I bought from Nina Interiors for sh6m. In Luzira, I have to make do with a cheap mattress, the kind that is given out to common criminals. But am I a common criminal? Did I break into somebody’s house in the middle of the night and make off with the DVD player?  

Wednesday

My wife managed to smuggle in a copy of the New Vision and on the front page is a picture of my crib in Bukoto. Hmm, it is a crib to die for don’t you think? It has mega bedrooms all self contained, the drive way is tiled and I have mob cars to drive! Those are the fruits of working in the Prime Minister’s Office

Thursday

As I was getting off the truck from Luzira, I saw that photographer – what’s his name? Ah, Enock Kakande! Tumbavu to him because tomorrow I know I will be on New Vision’s front page. Everybody wants to know one thing – how much money did I swipe and where did I hide it?

Friday

My wife told me that CID once again raided my huge house and took away things mbu as evidence. Can you imagine that they even took away the set of pink thongs that I bought for her from shop 12 in Mutaasa Kaffero Mall?! Tell me, what would CID want with wifey’s thongs?   

Saturday

I am determined to hold out. If they can throw Jim, Gilbert, Alice and Mike in jail for swiping dime then release them days later, I too will be released

Sunday

I spent the best part of the day lying in bed and thinking about the last book that I read – ‘Who says crime doesn’t pay?” Well that is exactly what I am asking myself right now!  

Rebecca Kadaga

Rebecca Kadaga

Monday

I was visiting a school in Kamuli and the kids were not very impressed with me. One kid stood up and said: “Is it true you wear a wig in parliament because you are bald?” What a cheek!

Tuesday

I left work early to go to the salon and have my hair done for the Independence Day celebrations at Kololo. But what was the point seeing that I will have to wear the parliamentary wig. Anyway, not to worry for Ruth who does my hair gave the wig a reddish tint. That should make me look funky 

Wednesday

Yesterday M7 jazzed at Kololo! He went on and on and on – oba what was he rambling on about? I really wanted to be elsewhere – at home watching ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ but you know protocol, you can only leave after M7 has left   

Thursday

OMG! There is a picture of me in Bukedde as if asleep! To be honest Kololo is a bore. All you get is mineral water so no wonder I fell asleep. I packed some nsenene as a snack but Edward Ssekandi assured me that if I did not share with him he would report me to M7.  

Friday

Thank God it’s Friday! I am going to toss the wig away practice my dance moves from my days at Namasagali, put on some hot jeans and hit tawo. My aide called up Charlie Lubega and I got some free tickets to go to Guvnor. I tried to call up girlfriend - Mrs. M7 to ask if she wanted to come along but her phone was off  

Saturday

Eh, today is for full paying! What did I drink last night?! No more Gins for me

Sunday

Nothing much happened today. I lazed about at home in an oversized Kimbo t-shirt, did some cleaning and washed the wig in preparation for Monday

Bobi Wine

Bobbi Wine

Monday

I am the Ghetto President and in the Ghetto Republic, I am president for life. I don’t have the problems M7 has with the opposition making a nuisance of themselves. I am supreme and I rule with an iron fist

Tuesday

I do have some problems but not within the Ghetto Republic. The problems come from other so called leaders – Bebe Cool and Chameleon. Those lumpens amuse me. The command no respect and they can’t even sing 

Wednesday

I was at Kololo airstrip for the Independence Day celebrations in my capacity as a president, and those PGB goons decided to bounce me. Why didn’t they bounce Paul Kageme or Mwai Kibaki? When the Ghetto Republic celebrates its Ganja anniversary party next week just watch how we bounce M7 and his PGB  

Thursday

What on earth is wrong with Barbie? Since we got married she has become a nag. Worse still in all the years that she has been with me, she can’t even roll up a ganja joint! I think I am going to send her back to the kyalo for a while     

Friday

If having to handle Barbie and her tantrums is not time consuming, there is another woman who is on my case. Just who on earth does that Jennifer Musisi woman think she is? She should stick to making Kampala City a better place to live and leave my music and I alone

Saturday

Now look at this Bebe Cool fellow. He turned up in a bar in Zana saying he had not been paid for a performance. I threw 10k at him and told him to go buy Zuena a new pair of knickers and that was it. A fight then broke out

Sunday

I gave Bebe such a thumping. I even managed to bite off one of his dreadlocks. That should teach him a lesson! Hmm, I wonder if he used the 10k I threw at him to buy Zuena knickers or he bought ganja instead

Kizza Besigye

Kizza Besigye

Monday

It has been a while since I heard from Winnie. I have sent her numerous e-mails, tweeted her and even skyped but only to get a bleak response. One of her friends hinted that she is vexed with me because I am always fighting with the police in the streets and I am in and out of CPS

Tuesday

I have to go to Woolworths today to buy some new underwear because the police have torn the last six that Winnie sent me from the States. I told the police at the gate but they would not let me out so for the next few days I will have to do without 

Wednesday

Erias Lukwago called me last night and suggested we go downtown and cause some mayhem. It is a good idea but the issue is that I have curfew  

Thursday

I borrowed the house-ee’s bra, knickers and gomesi and scaled the back wall of the house and slithered into the yam plantation and guess what, I got away with it! Remember when I escaped from my house in Luzira some years ago? The police must have looked real stupid when they learned I was in Namirembe     

Friday

Security at my house has been doubled that I now reckon that after my old friend M7, I am the next heavily guarded person in Uganda

Saturday

While I was tending to my yams, I found a policeman doing pupu! Can you imagine that the policeman didn’t even have toilet tissue and was using banana leaves!

Sunday

While doing the house cleaning, I found the little black sexy number that Winnie used to wear to fire me up in bed! Oh my Winnie can really do things to me when the lights are out

Best Kemigyisha - Toro Queen Mother

Monday:

My aides called from Kampala. They tell me that one of the local papers wrote a front page story saying that I had been arrested in the States over forged American dollars

Tuesday:

Now this daughter of mine – Komutale, why is she so insistent on marrying an American who refers to himself as a ‘nigga’? What is that, and what does it mean? There are plenty of boys back in Fort Portal who would make good husbands

Wednesday:

I went to the nigga’s small flat which, has the biggest flat screen television set I had ever seen. He wanted to know if I would be more comfortable watching MTV or Channel O. Before I could decide, he put on some raga music and kept on telling me that the song was ‘dope’. Just before lunch, other nigga's came round and they were all wearing their trousers half way down their butts

Thursday:

My son, King Oyo that is, called from England asking when I was coming over to see him. I told him to hang in there because I still have to sort out Komutale and her nigga. I don’t understand the nigga because today, he turned up with a comb in his hair. When I pointed it out to him, he told me to “get with the programme.” I wonder what programme he was referring to

Friday:

I had a heart to heart with Komutale and told her about Herbert Tumwebaze. Okay, so the boy has buck teeth, but at least he did go to school and does not refer to himself as a nigga and his dad has more cows than anybody else in Fort Portal. Do you know what she said? It was beneath her status to marry a cattle herder

Saturday:

Seeing it is my last night in the States, the nigga took me out. He took me to a place where everybody was calling me “sista”. I tried to tell them that I am a Queen, but it they kept on asking if I was a Queen like Queen Latifah is

Sunday:

I tried to seek out Queen Latifah but to no avail. At least Komutale has heard of her and tells me that she is a good rapper though, she is into women and not men. That is a scandal! In the history or Toro, there has been no queen who has been into women. I have taken her off the wedding guest list

Kale Kayihura - The IGP

Monday

I kept my fingers crossed - hoping, praying that it will be a quiet week. A quiet week in that, Besigye, Erias Lukwago, Betty Nambooze et al will behave themselves because they are really getting to me!

Tuesday

I guess it was too much to ask. Over the radio I am told that Besigye walked out of his gate, saying, that he was going to Kasangati trading centre to do some shopping. The OC Kasangati called me for the best part of the day asking me if he should be arrested. Now that is a tight call! If I gave an order to have him arrested, what do we charge him with? Walking to the shops? Even the people in my legal department told me it would be a tough call.

Wednesday

HE M7, summoned me to State House, Entebbe for a meeting. He wanted to know about the breasts case – you know that woman Ingrid Turinawe. But M7 does have a sense of humour. He asked if it was a new police tactic and if my boy grabbed both the breast and nipple. I told him that by boy merely grabbed the breast and in the ‘line of duty’.

Thursday

Thank god tomorrow is pay day. Things have been tight and though I am the IGP, my salary is peanuts. Some of my boys make more money that I especially those assigned traffic duties. Mrs. Kayihura wanted me to take her out to Cineplex to watch Men in Black III but for the dime issue. But then again, I could have just gone in full uniform. Would they have stopped me from entering, me the IGP of Uganda? I think not.

Friday

I drove straight from home – no, tell a lie, I was driven straight from home to the ATM and bleak, there was no salary yet. I didn’t even have dime for lunch so I made a surprise call to Wandegeya police post and that forced the DPC to organise lunch for me. It was nothing really – chicken and chips, but at least I had lunch.

Saturday

Still no salary and that fat mama in accounts keep tossing me up and down. To get dime, I went to Masindi, for at least that way, I could say I was on official police business and accounts would have to give me my per diem before I left.

Sunday

I got sh600,000 per diem yesterday and was able to give Mrs. Kayihura sh300,000 to do the weekly shopping. In Masindi, I did not spend a dime because I was well looked after by the in-charge of the police training school. I kind of had a blast.

Winnie Byanyima

Monday

Kizza Besigye has sent me an e-mail yet again. He needs sh18m to pay his legal bills. Does that man think that I am in New York and working with the UN to pay his legal bills? I really don’t think that he is being serious!
Tuesday
Besigye is on CNN yet again. This time he has some cloth wrapped around his face. I think it has something to do with the tear gas. But really, why can’t he grow up and come to his senses. He can’t spend weeks on end getting beaten up by the police
Wednesday

Anslem today asked me if his father was a thief because he had seen him being beaten up by the police on TV. He told me that the police only beat up thieves and wrong people. I think I will have to put a parental lock on all news stations so my boy won’t be affected
Thursday
Besigye has sent me yet another e-mail asking for dime. I didn’t bother opening it up and merely hit the delete button. I have got better things to do with my dime. Tonight I am going on a girls’ night out and want to be focused instead of thinking about Besigye
Friday
I am paying. We went to The Irish Village where we spent the night shooting tequilas. Lucky for me, Besigye is not around to see me in this state otherwise, he would have made noise. I also decided to cut work. Sometimes I miss Uganda and I miss the times I used to be on Capital Gang. That reminds me, I must give Charles Onyango-Obo a call today
Saturday

I have taken time out to do some souls searching. I am beginning to think that I should have done things differently. Perhaps if I had played ball with M7, by now, I would have been Prime Minister instead of Amama Mbabazi. What has Besigye done for me? Nothing except tear gas and beatings at the hands of the police
Sunday

I think Besigye is tired of me not responding to his e-mails for he has sent me a txt. He told me that on Saturday the police roughed him up again and that he sustained a small cut on his finger. Really! Anyway I responded and told him to go to the clinic, if not, he should put some iodine on it. But he is a doctor so why is he asking me? 

Gilbert Bukenya - Former Vice-President

Monday:

I am due in court again. The CHOGM car scandal won’t go away. What was wrong with the cars? I bought them because they had televisions in the headrests so they could watch Bukedde TV but, Robert Kabushenga delayed with the launch. I wore the dark blue suit which Margret bought for me from Winna Classic. I really don’t believe it! I have been remanded to Luzira Prison. Me, mahogany? Will they put me in handcuffs and shackles? Will I have to board the bus?  

Tuesday:

It was a rough night because I didn’t pack a blanket, mattress, basin or tooth brush. Perhaps when Margret turns up she will bring me a bag of essentials? I looked out for Bad Black but, I am told they gave her bail.

Wednesday:

Margret brought me a mattress but they sent it back because it was not prison regulation. She got it from Nina Interiors for sh1.2m. They told her to get something cheap from Kitintale market for 30k. The guards also took away the fine silk bed sheets, which she picked up from my hotel, Katomi Kingdom Resort.

Thursday: 

I miss Kakiri. In Luzira, they do roll-call four times a day yet at Kakari, Margret does only one roll-call – at night to make sure I am home. We had morning parade near the lake and in the distance I could see Speke Resort, Munyonyo. I remember the good old days of Miss Uganda and smoking cigars with my friend Sudhir.

Friday:

Margret came to see me with tears in her eyes and trying to be strong for the both of us. She also came with a kicapo of food - boiled maize, kabalagala, gonja and millet porridge in a flask. Despite my wrongs, Margret still loves me.

Saturday:

My cellmate has been stealing my food so all I had for breakfast was black tea without sugar. I managed to get hold of a cellphone to call my former boss and plead for mercy, but that man Tamale Murundi, refused to put me through. What’s his beef?

Sunday:

The prison doctor came round today checking us for head lice, scabies and jiggers. He also showed me the double spread in the newspapers – ‘The life and times of Gilbert Bukenya’. It had a picture of me kissing Iyrn Namubiru. She really does know how to kukomba malusu.

Erias Lukwago - Lord Mayor, Kampala City

Erias Lukwago

Monday

I had a bad dream that I woke up in a shiver and in a cold sweat. That name, Jennifer Musisi, kept popping into my dream. The chick stresses me out and does not respect me. Does she not know that I, Erias Lukwago, I am a man who has the title of Lord Mayor while she is just a mere executive director?

Tuesday

I have to show that Musisi woman who the boss is. I am going to stand my ground. She should be at home peeling matooke and pounding groundnuts than meddling about in the affairs of KCCA. Women belong at home and in the kitchen – you know what I mean?

Wednesday

Eh, today Jennifer came to work wearing a blue skirt and a pink blouse. She looked so superfly that I had to check her out! For a moment there I got distracted and even contemplated asking her out on a date. Then I came back down to earth. She is the enemy Lukwago, so I kept on reminding myself, she is the enemy.

Thursday

There is a good picture of me on the cover of Bukedde looking rather dapper. I was touring downtown where my subjects love me. One woman came up to me and asked if she could have a child with me. Now how many men have come up to Musisi and asked if they could have a child with her?

Friday

Nadudu, the office tea girl, brought me tea. Along with the tea she gave me the option of gonja and popcorn as accompaniments. But the woman smells! She tells me she can’t afford the bus fare so she has to walk to work and thus she sweats. I give her 5k to go and buy some deodorant.

Saturday

Can you imagine the cheek that that Musisi woman has? She had the nerve to call me at home telling me to come to her office for a meeting! I barked at her and told her never to call me when I am at home and having quality time with Mrs. Lukwago

Sunday

Mrs. Lukwago was so impressed at the way I barked at Musisi. So impressed she was, that last night, she wore the little black see through number that a Nakivubo vendor gave me to bed. Talk about saawa ya malavuu! I feel so rejuvenated that come Monday, I am going to slap Musisi down.